WASHINGTON—Rallying patients lying unconscious in the intensive care unit of George Washington University Hospital, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) called on those intubated due to Covid-19 to rise up from their hospital beds and choose freedom, sources confirmed Tuesday. “To all you brave patriots who have been imprisoned in this ICU, I say join me and your fellow countrymen in rebelling against this despotic medical system!” shouted Paul, a non-board-certified ophthalmologist who represents a state in which more than 1,000 people are hospitalized with Covid, before going on to urge every patient with acute respiratory failure to join arm-in-arm and cast off the tyrannical yoke of fear and propaganda. “Don’t you see? Those ventilators aren’t there to save you, they’re meant to enslave you. They may look like innocent, artificial breathing devices intended to provide you with a steady supply of oxygen, but they are the shackles of your oppressor. Rip out your breathing tube and join the resistance!” At press time, dozens of Covid patients had reportedly died after Paul attempted to reenact the Boston Tea Party by dumping their discolored, hypoxic bodies into the Potomac.