Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

A large part of cat ownership is simply accepting the fact that these furry little assholes can and will plunge their fangs into you for no goddamn reason.

Sure, it’s convenient to have a cat around to do this errand for you, but you’ll come to actually miss hunting mice and squirrels at twilight.

Those looking for a hard or sharp kind of pet are in for a rude awakening.

This is your new reality, so it’s best to start practicing feigned enthusiasm early.

Count yourself lucky if your cat is generating income by its second birthday.

Sorry, you’re better off with a chicken or pit bull.

If you want any chance at an open casket funeral, you better make sure your corpse is discovered within 24 hours.

Many prospective owners choose to adopt a cat because they are excited to play with its long, hose-like nose, only to realize after the fact that they were actually thinking of an elephant.

Although cats may seem like playful, alert companions, their movements are actually spasms typical of recently deceased animal corpses.

If you want to get along with your new cat, you’re better off not mentioning the human rights abuses that occurred during the decades-long apartheid regime.

Many cat owners think that purring is a sign that a cat is relaxed and happy, but it actually means you’ve activated The Omega Device.

Young cats require stimulation, which is why you should serve them afternoon tea every day at 4 p.m. with scones and jam.

You picked the wrong pet, buddy.

It’s important to curb your cat’s stress by limiting their time around you.

Cats have exquisite handwriting, but you may only find this out after they have passed off several thousand dollars in fraudulent checks.

Should your partner have pet allergies, adopting a cat is a great opportunity for them to prove how much they love you.

When your cat drags in the corpse of a rat or bird it recently killed, the polite thing to do is have it stuffed and mounted as a trophy.

You shouldn’t worry when you hear it being spoken in hushed tones throughout the night.

Cats evolved to have tongues that are rough, like sandpaper, to prevent you from making out with them, you sicko.

Jesus, what’s wrong with you?