Dear Occupant —
We have been trying to reach you regarding your outstanding Armageddon response.
We see from your account that you originally received an Armageddon loan many years ago when it was called an “Apocalypse Loan.” Please note our new name change.
After opening our inquiry into your case by creating the Spanish Inquisition (for which we received no response), the Salem Witch Trials (same) and multiple world wars (I, II, Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf, and the War on Drugs), we sent you incremental but clear climate change over the last fifty years, indicated by the dwindling ozone, polarizing temperatures, increasing tornado and hurricane activity, and documentaries by former vice presidents featuring unexceptional, but perfectly adequate, narration. We did not receive a reply, so we sent a pandemic of epic proportions to get your attention.
Are you no longer at this address?
During the pandemic, we sent several smaller follow-ups re: the oncoming Armageddon, including the mobilization of legions of drunken clown worshippers with significant political influence, the reversal of acceptance of all scientific knowledge, the public verbal abuse of sexual assault and school-shooting survivors, and multiple Marvel movies with no discernable beginnings, middles, or ends to their narratives.
The movies truly do not have endings.
With the catastrophic loss of life from the initial pandemic surge, we recently sent a more dangerous variant as a follow-up. We also canceled your favorite series from a popular streaming service, all but ensuring that you will never find out what happens after the season finale, which revealed that the missing high school students were actually living in a parallel universe.
You still have not responded.
We then continued to reach out via wildfires in the West, hurricanes from the Gulf, earthquakes worldwide, flash flooding, and tornadoes to the east. We realize you were busy with your blog, but to date, we have received no adequate response to these events.
Is there a next of kin we can contact to settle your account?
Simultaneously we rolled back common sense, a woman’s right to her own body, civil rights, voting rights, and basic human decency. Were you aware of this?
Please update your phone number in our system.
Knowing that it sometimes takes time to respond proactively and that stress and anxiety can prevent smart, meaningful decisions, we created CBD gummies. Those were a complimentary gift from Four Horses Loans, as were forests, music, sex, books, and time. It seems, however, that the reduction of anxiety has not resulted in meaningful cognitive activity.
It is imperative that you respond in some meaningful way so that we can confirm there are, in fact, humans on the other end of this call. Although your social media activity often contains elements of indignance and outrage, you have failed to follow up your posts with significant action, preferring instead to complain about your posts being deleted.
Your account is past due and will shortly be sent to collections.
Sincerely,
Conquest, War, Famine, and Death